I'M RIGHT AND YOU ARE WRONG!

We don’t know exactly how, but we ended up in a strong discussion about a topic that we don’t really care much about. But we are starting to feel upset, angry, and even furious, fighting to show that we are right. As if our life depends on it 

We don’t care at all if we hurt the other person, even though it is a dear friend or even our spouse. We have to win, no matter what.

If it is a meeting at the office, discussion become endless, the agenda is not followed any longer, and the issue at stake remains unsolved. Sometimes it becomes a kind of tennis match. Two people discussing and the rest watching the “game”.

Finally we lose the discussion. 

How do we feel? 

Terrible! Defeated! 

What is making us to feel that way? If the other person won and we lost, it means that we are worse, less clever or less brilliant than the other person, aren’t we?

Or maybe not?

Winning or losing a discussion seems to have an impact our self-esteem, how good we perceive we are. Sometimes during the discussion we even lose control and say things that we later regret. We are under of what Daniel Goleman calls an “Amygdala Hijack”. Our emotional brain disconnects the rational brain. So don’t try to convince with reasons a person that is already upset and angry. 

But good news: there is a remedy for it. Just being aware of what is happening help us to handle it in a better way. At least if we are not already completely “hijacked” by our amygdala. So the sooner we realize the better.

At work, I would highly recommend to use “The six thinking hats”. It really avoids endless and fruitless discussions and makes meetings much more productive and effective.

Next time you notice you are going to be trapped in a hot discussion, think: “Do I want to discuss about this, now? What for”. And if you don't,  just say things like “maybe you are right”, or “could be”. 

After all, everybody is partially right. At least 2% right. The other person won’t keep discussing and you avoid the dangers of the “Amygdala Hijack”.

P.D.: If you want to know more about how discussions work, read this article: